I can see clearly now...

I have to say, this has been a great week. Let me tell you why, because I know you are dying to find out (and some of this could surprise you, who knows, who cares)...

But first, a quick running update: For the first time ever, I ran before work this morning. 5.5 miles in about 50 minutes or so. It felt great. I was a little concerned about hitting Memorial Park while it was still dark, but when I got there a little before 5:30, there were already quite a few runners out there, so I felt safer. I am going to try to make weekday morning runs more routine, because it sure beats running in the evening heat, after a long and tiring day at work. And, I'm quite energized. I actually felt human long before 9 a.m. for a change.

So...I've had an epiphany, seriously, a real sudden face-slapping epiphany, which is bringing about some much-needed changes in my life, my behaviors, my attitudes and my perspective.

For too long (way too long), I have let a lack of self-confidence teamed with seemingly endless stress (most of which I now realize I bring on myself) drive my emotions and my actions, and more often than not, I end up feeling just plain dumb, embarrassed, apologetic. I have sometimes behaved in ways that are unbecoming and immature, and I'm tired of not even recognizing myself through my actions half the time. Hey, I understand that we all have issues and faults and regrets - its human nature. But the difference for me, this time, is that instead of laughing things off only to turn around and do the same things over and over, act the same way over and over, have the same regrets over and over, well, I'm doing something about it. Finally.

I'm done with emotionally and physically unhealthy actions and attitudes. I'm done with trying to be the funny/sarcastic one, the life of the party, the one everyone likes and wants to be around. Truth is, I'm not! I might be a princess, but I'm also a serious Type A introvert. My extreme extroversion in certain circumstances, well, its a facade. It does not come naturally to me at all in most cases, unless I'm very comfortable with a sitiuation, person or group. I would rather sit around and drink water and have conversations and get to know people than be in the middle of the group that is drinking it up and being the loudest, which is usually where I've ended up because I thought that's where I needed to be, where I was expected to be. And looking back, its just plain unattractive.

I'm tired of reaching out to people or trying to develop/keep a friendship going when really there is no friendship, no reciprocation. I want people in my life who care about me, really care, through good times and bad, and people who allow me to care about them and appreciate it. I have a wonderful circle of very close friends, a fabulous family, and a cherished 'running family'. Its time that that is good enough. I don't have to be everyone's friend, and not everyone has to like me or care about me. My lifelong drive for acceptance has just plain exhausted me. Screw it.

I'm done being foolish and making bad decisions. Sad thing is, I'm well aware of exactly what I've been doing, because I've been doing it most of my teen and adult life...not giving myself enough credit, letting how others feel and think about me define who I am, basing my worth as a person, a woman, on how successful I am at work, in relationships, and in my hobbies.

And you know the #1 thing that has caused most of what I've mentioned above? Not appropriately moderating my alcohol consumption. There it is, plain and simple...its the common denominator, the one thing I can trace back to every stupid thing I've done, said, every meltdown, every self-defeating action and thought. It has been my shield, my barrier, too often, from my shyness and insecurities and worries and fears. And I'm done. Plus, it makes you fat.

So, my breaths have been deeper this week, my attitude happier, my focus sharper, my mind more peaceful. Honestly. Its amazing how things, perspectives, how you look at yourself and how you feel about yourself can change so suddenly. But its great! I have a renewed dedication to my health, my exercising and my running, in a way I've never had before. And I am confident that I will be able to handle life's stresses and bumps in the road, relationships, friendships, work and running with a maturity and clarity that I don't think I've had before.

Alrighty then.