A letter to my mom...

Dear Mom,

I am heartbroken over what you have been through and are going through. You say you are fine, that you can handle the cards you've been dealt, but how can anyone have that much strength and courage?? How can one person handle what has been thrown your way over the last 13 years, over the past year, over the past two weeks? Its not fair! I am so angry!

You have such a strong faith, but I have none. What God would do this to someone like you? Put you through all of this suffering? Okay, I know it is a blessing that you are even alive, that you have lived to see your son get married, get to know your daughter-in-law, cherish your grandchildren, and love and support your husband who continues to succeed as a wonderful husband, father and leader in his job. And I guess you've gotten to see me run some marathons. That's my biggest accomplishment in 13 years, as marriage is obviously not in my future (read "cougar-dom" is near, meaning I'm freaking old). But I digress...

I cannot express how much I admire you. You have a positive attitude that I will never understand; maybe sometime, with the help of strong medication, I might start to see the light. You find the good in everything, the blessing in the hardship. How do you do it? Wait, I know, you will credit the Lord...but I don't have that same belief and faith.

I know you are going to struggle and have some hard times, but if anyone can persevere and get through this a stronger person, you can.

Did I mention how angry I am?! I think part of me worries that the same thing might happen to me down the road, and I won't have anyone there like you do. Support systems really are the best, huh? I should be so lucky...

I'm stunned you are still alive. That was not even a thought in my head until the surgeon visited with us last week. Damage from radiation is slowly and seriously affecting you now, 13 year later, so forcefully, so dramatically. Why? Well, I never knew that when they attacked your cancer with radiation 13 years ago, they were only really expecting to give you a few extra years, never expecting to deal with the radiation affects and aftermath. Wow, you are here and cancer-free after 13 years! I have taken that for granted. I don't know whether to be so happy that you are still with us, or sad that you are going through and facing what you are now, or a combination of both.

Your grace and strength should be awed and envied and cherished by all who know you. You hold our family together emotionally. It pains me to see you hurt. And while I know you need to go through grieving and "get-used-to-it" process, I am going to grieve for you longer. Not pity you, no, you don't want pity. You are a DIVA! Nothing will change that and you don't deserve anyone's pity, because you don't need it or want it. But I will cry for you, and I will be weak for you, and I will always, always be there for you. I love you Mom...

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Alrighty then...

Running update: Saturday's run was 13 miles at an overall average pace of 8:59. I ran a warm-up three miles with fellow Chicago marathoner and hopeful Boston-qualifier Jennifer, then we ran 10 with our training group. The first mile of that run (mile 4 for me) was about a 9:30ish pace; everything after was below 9. Yay! Great taper run.

Chicago weather watch: (Un)Accuweather.com says low in the low 40s, high in the 50s. That would be perfect!! It will of course change 10 times in the next two weeks...